29th February, 2008 (4:58 pm)

The Bit About the Milestone (13)

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14th February, 2008 (7:05 pm)

The Bit About the Ridiculousness (11)

What the fuck?

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13th February, 2008 (10:32 am)

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11th February, 2008 (10:24 pm)

The Day I Said What I Didn’t Say Before (16)

I think I lost a baby last month.

I know - rubbish, isn’t it? It should never have happened, not on my jabs, not with the hormones I have smashing around inside me. I’m having a MENOPAUSE for fuck’s sake.

I repeat: it shouldn’t have happened.

For the first time in now three (possibly four) pregnancies I had morning sickness, but as there was a hideous stomach bug around at the time - hospitals overrun, grown men collapsing with the strain, yadda yadda yadda - that’s what I thought it was. At least until I realised that I’d been feeling queasy for over a week, and that I was okay again come the afternoon and dandy-fucking-o in the evening. I kept telling myself that it couldn’t have been that, that we’d only gone unprotected the one time since starting the treatment, and then I started bleeding; heavy, hurty, clotty, bleeding when I shouldn’t have been - haven’t been, not for four months. I thought it was a period, spent a few days faintly annoyed about it, lamenting my bad luck, until it all clicked into a place with a single, dull, echoing thud, and I realised what had happened.

HotDoc didn’t say anything when I went to see him, just narrowed his eyes sympathetically, spoke softly, said that the treatment wasn’t contraception, that it happened, and asked if I wanted a pregnancy test to be sure. Um, no. Confirming it either way would make no difference; if I had been pregnant, I wasn’t anymore, and if I hadn’t have been then no harm, no foul. Phew. Relief. And if it had been the former? There was no way my hormone-riddled body could’ve nurtured a healthy, happy baby. Naturally losing it would’ve been a good thing. So I sat around and waited for this month to come, thinking that I’d bleed again, thinking - hoping - that it was something to do with the injection, that I was simply one of the teeny percentage of women who continue to bleed on this medication. It had to have been just a delayed side-effect. Seems not. No bleeding this month. No cramps. No nothing. Just a little sadness and a faint, almost desperate throb of regret.

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10th February, 2008 (2:49 pm)

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