11th February, 2008 (10:24 pm)
The Day I Said What I Didn’t Say Before
I think I lost a baby last month.
I know - rubbish, isn’t it? It should never have happened, not on my jabs, not with the hormones I have smashing around inside me. I’m having a MENOPAUSE for fuck’s sake.
I repeat: it shouldn’t have happened.
For the first time in now three (possibly four) pregnancies I had morning sickness, but as there was a hideous stomach bug around at the time - hospitals overrun, grown men collapsing with the strain, yadda yadda yadda - that’s what I thought it was. At least until I realised that I’d been feeling queasy for over a week, and that I was okay again come the afternoon and dandy-fucking-o in the evening. I kept telling myself that it couldn’t have been that, that we’d only gone unprotected the one time since starting the treatment, and then I started bleeding; heavy, hurty, clotty, bleeding when I shouldn’t have been - haven’t been, not for four months. I thought it was a period, spent a few days faintly annoyed about it, lamenting my bad luck, until it all clicked into a place with a single, dull, echoing thud, and I realised what had happened.
HotDoc didn’t say anything when I went to see him, just narrowed his eyes sympathetically, spoke softly, said that the treatment wasn’t contraception, that it happened, and asked if I wanted a pregnancy test to be sure. Um, no. Confirming it either way would make no difference; if I had been pregnant, I wasn’t anymore, and if I hadn’t have been then no harm, no foul. Phew. Relief. And if it had been the former? There was no way my hormone-riddled body could’ve nurtured a healthy, happy baby. Naturally losing it would’ve been a good thing. So I sat around and waited for this month to come, thinking that I’d bleed again, thinking - hoping - that it was something to do with the injection, that I was simply one of the teeny percentage of women who continue to bleed on this medication. It had to have been just a delayed side-effect. Seems not. No bleeding this month. No cramps. No nothing. Just a little sadness and a faint, almost desperate throb of regret.
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Comment by Jem — 11 February, 2008 @ 10:50 pm
I don’t really know what to say; you’re in my thoughts Vixx. If there’s anything I can do, you know where to find me.
Comment by Tsubomi — 11 February, 2008 @ 10:54 pm
*Hugs* :(… I can’t imagine how you feel, but I hope it gets better soon.
Comment by valerie — 12 February, 2008 @ 1:31 am
I’m so sorry, Vixx. *hugs*
Comment by Jamie — 12 February, 2008 @ 3:40 am
Wow, I’m so incredibly sorry. *hugs*
Comment by Scarlet — 12 February, 2008 @ 6:43 am
I’m sorry sweetie.
*hugs*
Comment by Candi — 12 February, 2008 @ 7:15 am
I don’t even know WHAT to say. I just feel terrible. I’m sorry. *hugs*
Comment by Tanya — 12 February, 2008 @ 9:18 am
I’m very sorry hun. If there’s anything I can do…
*hugs*
Comment by Teesee — 12 February, 2008 @ 11:38 am
I didn’t read the protected post but I gathered it wasn’t a happy occasion.
*Huggles*
Some stuff to cheer you up:
http://tinyurl.com/3d4jz4
http://tinyurl.com/2axy39
http://tinyurl.com/2ft452
Comment by Sarah — 12 February, 2008 @ 12:39 pm
I’m so sorry…thinking of you. Take Care lots of love Sarah xxx
Comment by Vixx — 12 February, 2008 @ 12:39 pm
Thanks, everyone. :) I’m okay though - if it had have been a little one I would’ve lost it very early on - six, maybe seven weeks. Nothing really. It’s just horrendously crap luck is all.
Teesee: loves the kitteh luv. :) Thanks. But actually it’s just a boring (and long) voicepost!
V xx
Comment by sharon — 12 February, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
So, so sorry. Wish there was something I could say that would magically make it all better for you xx
Comment by inga — 12 February, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
((hugs))
Comment by Meggan — 12 February, 2008 @ 4:00 pm
So sorry, Vixx. Wish I knew how to say more.
Comment by Cyndy Otty — 12 February, 2008 @ 7:41 pm
Oh, Vixx, I wish I had something more comforting to say aside from how very sorry I am.
Comment by Rhian — 13 February, 2008 @ 12:22 am
Oh Vikki, thinking of you. Take good care of yourself. Lots of love, Rhian xxx
Comment by Vixx — 14 February, 2008 @ 10:38 pm
Thanks for your thoughts - every one of you.
V xx