29th June, 2008 (11:23 am)
The Day We Broke Up, Man
O hai intermywebs!
Usually, I start one of these posts with several paragraphs of apologies: I’m a bad blogger, I’m sorry I left you and blah blah blah. But not today, baby! Vixx is too hardcore to apologise, mofo. So instead, we’re going to gloss over the fact that I’ve been complete pants lately and just start over. Work for you? Damned right it does.
Life since my birthday’s been pretty flat out . . . which reminds me, thanks again for your awesome messages and gifts, especially Claire, Sharon, Raq and - a late contender - Emz. You all rock, like, seriously. :) This weekend is the first in the last four weeks where I haven’t gone out and as much as I enjoy a good drink ‘n’ dance (I move so good for a fat chick - no, honestly: I’m like a seriously sexy lava-lamp) it’s been nice this weekend to stay home. That said, the nights out I did have were sooooo much fun, even though I was driving for one evening. I still feel guilty most nights, though - for we all know that mums aren’t supposed to go out and enjoy themselves independently of their children, let alone drink and dance like whores. But it’s a complete wind-down for me, you know? It looks like such a lame excuse written there like that but it’s true. It’s like I’m a member of the human race again, one that isn’t pre-occupied with gym kits and lunch money and healthy snacks.
I sometimes wonder if I’m wired wrongly. I couldn’t imagine being a SAHM, just as I couldn’t imagine my entire identity being shaped entirely around my kids and home. Don’t get me wrong; you know I adore S with an intensity that crushes me sometimes, just as you know that I have nothing but respect for the women who do choose to dedicate themselves 24/7 to their kids but . . . I existed as Vixx before he arrived, just as I’ll be Vixx after he’s all grown up and has moved on with a wonderful life of his own. I’m determined that I’m not lost in the interim, that my identity isn’t superseded by the fact I decided to knock myself up one random evening in late 2002. S was planned, conceived with love, and has his whole life felt wanted and needed and safe (well, hopefully) but that should never be at the expense of my life, right? Having a mummy who feels happy, rested and secure with her own identity can do nothing but makes for a happier home-life for everyone.
Fuck me, that got kinda serious, self-reflecting and sermon-y! Anyway.
We had S’s school report on Friday evening. It was all kinds of lovely, full of praise and love and encouragement which made me cry and S BEAM with pride for the entire evening. As a treat for being such a darling little man, we decided to take a trip to The Bay where we spent far too much money on a decidedly lacklustre Dr. Who Exhibition (S’s choice, obviously) and then took - for the first time ever, even though we fucking live here - the Waterbus up into town. It was S’s first time on a boat (he excitedly told us that now having been in a car, plane and boat, all was left for him to try now was a ROCKET) and he loved it, so even though the trip sights were achingly humdrum, there was something so refreshing about traveling with a four-year-old and it put a new spin on old sights. Bless.
I forgot my camera though, which was pretty stupid. Harumph.
So, what else? M and I have broken up, gone our difference ways. Fo’ real. No, not our marriage - just our band, man. He’d tell you that we split due to musical differences, but I’m here to tell you that we split because he’s fucking useless and I’m a Rock God. Honestly, he played the drums like an epileptic on acid. Say the pattern was blue, blue, blue, blue-and-red, blue, blue, blue, blue-and-red - my darling other half would use this opportunity to hit blue and red together for the whole duration, ruining our crowd score, dude, and totally bringing the gig down. I tried to explain it - calmly, kindly, reminding myself that he’s the father of my child etc. - but he’d just get proper arsey with me and say whatever, he’s hitting it right? What difference does it make if he’s hitting the red with the blue the whole time? So I tried to explain that that was like spelling his name with an ‘a’ after every letter in preparation for when an ‘a’ actually does turn up and then he kind of threw the drumsticks on the floor and said that I could fucking play by myself, then.
Heh.
Still, when the three of us - that’s M, S and I - play together, it rocks so much. S loves it. His instrument of choice is the drums but he’s an all-rounder, trying it all. Singing ‘Learn to Fly’ with him last night? So, so cool. He’s his mother’s son. :)
Obviously, my life has been sucked by my XBox. In August I get back-pay from work (well, hopefully) and since it’s 12+ months worth, that cash is gonna fund our Wii/Wii Board purchase (with a considerable amount left over, too). (I earn a nice wage these days, enough that we have a hefty disposal income even after sorting bills, but we were skint for so long, it hurts to blow money this way without me having to talk myself into a justification). The Wii is mainly for S; I’ve never really been a Nintendo Fangirl, and whilst I love Mario Cart et al, it’s always been a tad cutesy for me. That said? We’re gonna have fun, aren’t we? The only problem I envisage is finding time to fit in Wii-time on top of the XBox and TV schedules already in place . . .
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Comment by sharon — 29 June, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
“He’d tell you that we split due to musical differences, but I’m here to tell you that we split because he’s fucking useless and I’m a Rock God.”
LOL! So you’ll be embarking on a solo career then?
Comment by Selphie — 29 June, 2008 @ 1:26 pm
If I ever become a mum, I want to have your outlook on life. You rock, girl.
Comment by valerie — 30 June, 2008 @ 12:08 am
I’m sorry, I can’t stop laughing at this line: “…the fact I decided to knock myself up one random evening in late 2002…”
Cause you rock so much you did it ALL by yourself!!! YAH!! :)
Comment by inga — 30 June, 2008 @ 5:11 am
You feel the exact way I feel about still having a life post child birth. I’m happy that you realize that YOU need to be happy and still do those things that bring YOU joy, because if momma’s not happy, the household won’t be happy. I’m glad you know how to separate motherhood, and your personal social life. You rock Vixx. Woot!
You and your family seem so cute and animated. :-) And you are SO far from a fat chick.
Comment by Vixx — 30 June, 2008 @ 8:29 am
Sharon: Absolutely! That, or find a band online to jam with - preferably with someone who has rhythm . . .
Val: Haha! Didn’t quite mean it that way lmao!
Inga & Kaz: Aw - thanks!
V xx