30th September, 2008

The Day With the Sadness

I’ve been a bit of a funk lately. Let’s call it bad gunky: it’s not being emo exactly because I’m 32 and, obviously, far too mature to permit myself to wallow around in black clothes and thick eyeliner, tearfully relating to every wallow-y song in my iTunes library. And I’ve had a good couple of weekends – fun nights out with friends, lots of dancing and alcohol, and a wonderful evening with our friends from France who stayed with us last Saturday. But being married is just not remotely fun right now, work is simultaneously getting me down and getting on my tits, and – as my Twitter will attest – I’m having to choke back the urge to just jump into the car and drive until I run out of fuel and never look back. I’m sick of being ill, sick of my girlie bits eating me from the inside out and sick of . . . well, other stuff that involves family that I can’t write about here. I’m starting to get stupid and obsessive about food again – my number one anxiety cue – and that’s never good. It feels like I’m itching all over and just can’t scratch hard enough to make it go away.

We all know that this is not a happy place to be. And we all know that I’m a flake, and I’m stupid, and this will all blow over, possibly following a cake-like treat or a perfect bar of Galaxy. But for now I’m sad, and I don’t like being sad. Although I am by nature stroppy and confrontational and kind of terrifying, I’m not naturally sad. So I don’t like feeling like this at all.

Posted: September 30, 2008 at 6:27 pm | Comments (10)

24th August, 2008

The Day With The Wii

I never really understood the whole Wii phenomenon. Yes, it’s cool and all that you can bowl in the living room (we took S bowling this afternoon and paid a ridiculous £22 ($40ish) for the 90 minute privilege – I lost BTW) but, not being funny, the whole reason I play video games is because I don’t want to exert myself. If I wanted to play tennis I’d go play tennis. It’s a personal thing, but when I’m at home I usually want to do at-home things – you know, like shooting the crap out of monsters or playing the guitar solo encore on my sold-out world tour, strings (well, buttons) MELTING from my awesomeness. You know – the usual.

That said, we have now finally bought a Wii. We waited for the hype to settle – and the price to drop a little – but when this month’s pay packet finally brought home an extra grand thanks to months and months and months of back-pay as I waited for my work’s pay dispute to be settled, we finally bowed out and bought one. We’d talked about it maybe being good for S and his hand/eye co-ordination, that it’s probably better for him than watching TV, and that it’ll be something kinda cool that we can all play together, but the truth is we spent £200 on a console simply because I wanted the Fit Board. Yeah, I know – hella lame.

So I fired it up. And it told me that I was a lardarse. Heh – like that’s a shock. I put in an easy-peasy target to kick me off – 7lbs in a month – and yesterday I lost 2lbs. M put on 2lbs – HA HA HA – and I was so smug and superior, laughing and pointing at and scorning him for the rest of the day. I went to bed still giggling, my guts sore from the mirth, and then when I jumped on the board this afternoon, still snickering to myself, turns out I’ve put on 3lbs. WTF?! I’m doing twenty minutes of annoying, cutsey aerobic crap and for what? To GAIN weight? I’m fairly certain that I can accomplish that on my own from the comfort of my sofa’s ass groove.

Don’t start. I know 20 mins is fuck all. And I know that it’s a game, so save your breath. Nonetheless . . . I’m lazy and unconditioned and it’s simply not fair that my body aches THIS MUCH and all for nothing!

Posted: August 24, 2008 at 9:20 pm | Comments (8)

6th July, 2008

The Day I Was Repeating Myself

Oh the irony. The day after I write about a portable shitbox, I found myself in dire need of one.

It was my usual problem. There’s something so mind-numbingly depressing about that – not to mention boring and repetitive and totally not blogworthy. I myself am so bored about talking/thinking about it that I didn’t even blog about it the last time it happened (talk about being an ostrich – apparently, if I don’t write about it, it didn’t really happen) but the last time I was this ill was the day before Mother’s Day. I had a stitch-like pain in a non-stitch-like place for about six hours that grew worse over time, until by ten that evening I was howling in pain. It ended in my almost passing out and paramedics at my house. Awesome.

This week’s been odd; the pain’s been bad, though I’ve definitely had worse, and started Monday night, eased Tuesday, came back badly Wednesday night and then eased over Thursday. It feels as though something is building up in there, ready to go off or burst or break or something. I know that I was ill – really unwell, in a different league from my usual coughs and sniffs – because I slept the whole of Thursday, racking up over twenty hours sleep out of twenty-four. It’s as though my body decides, fuck this for a game of soldiers and passes out to recover.

It’s all settled down again now though, I’m happy to report. I took Friday off work to recuperate and we’ve had a pretty quiet weekend, apart from yesterday where we ventured out to take S to see the Incredible Hulk (meh – unimpressed). We did a little shopping – where I spent far too much on a GORGEOUS Radley workbag, which I’ve been lusting after for some time – and then spent the evening tucked up in front of the TV. S spent the entire day pacing the house and waiting for the season finale of Dr. Who (also meh), mooching about in his new all-time-bestest costume – a shiny gold dalek. Seriously. It’s the cutest goddamn thing I have ever seen. To prove it, I will add a photo post as soon as I clear my memory card.

Today is a quiet one. I’ve been working on my GG client list (slippage – argh – needed to get back on track) and then this afternoon S and I are going to do a little baking – chocolate chip muffins, me thinks, and a scrummy Apple and Blackberry crumble. The weather’s cold, dark and wet and if that doesn’t call for a little comfort food, I don’t know what does.

To close, my BFF 4EVA gave birth to her second child yesterday, a gorgeous, gorgeous little girl. I’m wracked with jealousy and not insubstantial pain – I would love another child if my insides weren’t twisted and black and broken – but do you know what she and her husband have done? They’ve named her after me! WTF?! Am so, so, so touched!

Posted: July 6, 2008 at 12:30 pm | Comments (6)